April
27, 2020 Domestic
Violence What, Why, No way, that’s not right
and what a sick individual. For God’s
sake, why does she stay with him and what about the children? That’s how the rest of us would respond to
someone who is allowing themselves to be abused. We obviously question why they would not
leave, what inhibitors are in place for them to remain in this type of
relationship. For those of us that have
been there, suffered the embarrassment, the physical and emotional scars, it is
not over at the end of the day, it will last forever. In my fourth blog I will revisit generational
cycles of negativity (traits) as passed down from generation to generation.
Hopefully provoking thoughts as to how a majority of people do not understand
how this can even happen, let alone for decades or generations. I am that person in my family's
generational cycles of negativity. Yup,
that’s right, an alcoholic mother and stepfather, eighteen elementary, nine
middle, and one high school attended, and a father at seventeen, I broke the link in that chain, seems
impossible doesn’t it? The first step
towards change is recognizing that something is wrong, out of the norm or an
altered perception of reality. Think of
an alcoholic finally mustering up the courage to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous
meeting for the first time. Opening up
to others by sharing personal struggles with alcoholism is not easy. However, following through with the treatment
plan is the first step to acknowledging change is possible. A change that will allow this person to
remain sober for years even though everyday sobriety is a challenge. Negative cycles work the same way,
let me explain. Were you as a child in a
home or environment where domestic violence was present? I was, I witnessed my step father physically
and mentally abusing my mother over and over.
I want to share my experience with domestic violence from my first
memories starting at the age of three. I was twenty-three when my mother passed
away, on mother’s day, from years of alcoholism and abuse, she was only
forty-four years old. What could possibly cause such
ugliness that is always filled with pain and fear? A relationship controlled with “do as I say
or else”, constant beatings that could not be concealed with make-up or
sunglasses. Mental abuse can result in low self-esteem, self respect, and a
loss of even the slightest amount of human dignity. My mother was controlled in every way
possible, a stay at home mom raising children, cooking and cleaning. Even being stripped of financial
responsibilities in the home, she did not have the opportunity or knowledge to
pay bills or even keep a checkbook, all
this was controlled by the “alpha” abuser, my stepfather. Close friends and family were kept
out of her life using me as leverage knowing that nothing is as sacred as a
mothers’ love for her child. Surviving
under the constant fear that any minor action could be the next trigger for a
beating ….. always ending with “keep your mouth shut!” and “don’t even think
about leaving”. “I will find you and I
promise I will kill you” were constant threats from my step father. Once again, the infliction of fear and pain,
the desire for total control by the alpha abuser. Does this sound somewhat
familiar to those of you who have endured such ugliness? At the age of sixteen I ran away and
was adopted by a very loving family, believing I could be removed from this
abusive environment and find a new path.
That was a lie, it did not get better, it became worse! The entire time you are in this toxic
relationship traits are being developed in your children. Your little girl will more than likely grow
up and mimic your behaviors allowing her significant other to do the same thing
to her. Your handsome son may grow up to
be that “alpha” male, an abuser, just like the man that abused his mother. You can continue to deny all you want, a
significant percentage of those abused will carry this trait. Traits or cycles are like leeches, they
attach themselves and act as triggers to those who were raised in an abusive
environment. Most of us that suffer from
this have a very difficult time explaining why we act the way we do. Have you ever been told you sound just like
your mother or you look just like your father, these are traits and cycles. I am sharing this information with
you as a first hand survivor, I know this because I am one of them, that’s
right, I became an abuser just like my stepfather. I write this blog with a heavy heart, because
at the age of twenty-six I became that “alpha” male, that abuser. I still ponder how the hell this could
happen, I was so happy to finally get away from that environment, determined not to be like my stepfather. In retrospect I still do not understand where
it really began, was it with the yelling and verbal threats that eventually
turned into physical violence?
W.T.F.! One day I finally said
“How”, Why and that was not right, this is not who I had envisioned myself
becoming as a man. It took a lot of
“guts” to find help, just one session with a professional therapist was all I
needed. I did not know why I had become
this way, hearing it from someone else made all the difference. I had developed
the traits that my stepfather had instilled or passed on to me, I was becoming
the exact version of him. I CHANGED right there, on that
chair, in that room, at that facility, and on that day! Simply put, don’t let your children develop
traits or cycles of negativity, change is possible. Mothers’ Day is coming soon, this only
reminds me of the ugliness she and I endured, there was a lot of blood, sweat,
tears and years shed between us. Yet, we
kept returning to the same environment because my step father would use
coercion phrases like; “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, and “I promise I will
change”. Nothing but lies! Don’t be a victim any longer, you have the
strength to change your future if you choose.
Yes, I will fully acknowledge that it is not easy, I know this. Remember, cycles of negativity can be broken,
just like a link in a chain. There are
many organizations that deal with domestic violence, one particular one, close
to my heart, “A New Dawn” a non-profit based in Clearfield, Utah. This organization helps mothers and children
become survivors, an opportunity to feel love and happiness, not fear and pain. In Loving Memory of Patricia L. Smith June 13, 1934 to May 13, 1979 Happy
Mothers Day, Mommy♡ Want more information on the blogs,
contact me @ www.meincnow.com or ChuckPrinzen@yahoo.com. #the next impactor #misfit nation #power of we symposium |
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